I have a very hard time dealing with the world. I thought by 31 I’d have this shit figured out. I’m an adult now, time to get with the program, right?

How am I suppose to pretend everything is normal and fine? I’m walking a tightrope over flames every day and the ringmaster is calling for me to jump through the flames but I’m scared as fuck and actually forgot something in my dressing room so I’m just gonna go real quick.

I don’t know what I’m suppose to do anymore. I’m angry constantly. It’s a simmering pot of shit in the bottom of my gut and it’s constantly flowing over. It makes me dark. I feel like the color drains from my world. It’s just anger and sadness competing for space.

This isn’t normal, right? Like my parents and my parents parents definitely didn’t just live life with this as if it’s normal and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it, right?

Or did we all get free tickets for this bullshit ride. It’s already covered in vomit and sucks, I want off.

I feel like I’m being a bad friend, a bad partner, a bad colleague, a bad brother constantly. It’s so hard to sort my anger at the cosmos into the right little bucket at the right time. It’s been boiling for a while but it’s finally boiling over and that burnt and nasty liquid is fusing to the side of my pot and I’m still desperately stirring because I gotta serve something for dinner and everyone’s at the table waiting and oh fuck I just realized I’m out of salt.

I tried to do a “new year, new me”. I tried to strip this weird uncomfortable skin off my soul and slide into something different. It’s not working but I think that’s because the issues are more than skin deep.

I don’t know what to do. I’m tired so fucking tired. I went black on Facebook and removed the devil app from my phone, but I can’t kick my other social media IVs. Not sure I want to.

I’ve been freaked out about legacy lately. It’s fucking stupid but I feel like there’s no permanent and real photos of me at this point of my life and that freaks me out. If I died tomorrow and my social media is cancelled – how are all my fans going to remember me? That’s so dumb but my brain is constantly floating between “fuck you and your dumb ego” and “well if you ever have great grandkids they’ll love this shit” which they probably won’t cause they’ll be too busy with VR FB and like I dunno jacking off to horny teens from Mars.